Vol #1, Col #8: Green Eyes

This past summer, I attended the wedding celebration of a dear friend of mine. Because I strongly believe that one should get decked out for special occasions (and well, I like any excuse to dress up really. On that note, I can’t wait for Halloween!), I purchased myself a fine little Jessica Rabbit-inspired number and styled my hair and makeup a la the 1940s era. Not to toot my own horn, but if I do say so myself, I looked rather smashing. Indeed, my friend the bride and I were exchanging compliments all night.

Before the formal ceremony began, I excused myself from my date in order to “powder my nose.” While I was in the loo, I encountered an older woman (likely in her 50s or 60s) who was accompanied by a little girl I can only assume was her grandchild. Upon seeing me, the little girl’s face lit up. She turned to the older woman and expressed she was a great fan of my personal style.
Despite being in the position of “rolemodel”, the older woman commented under her breath (but loud enough so I could hear) in a snarky tone, “Well, some people feel they need to get all dressed up for weddings.” At this point, it’s imperative to note that the older lady was draped head-to-toe in a bland well-worn tracksuit; her hair and makeup equally appeared neglected. I should also note that while there were a few other stragglers dressed questionably for such a formal gala, the aforementioned older woman definitely took the cake in terms of a clear lack of effort.

Perhaps she had given up on herself long ago, perhaps she didn’t buy into socially constructed ideas of formality or tradition, perhaps she never conceived of herself as an attractive woman, irrespective of the deep-seated subconscious underpinnings informing her reaction, one thing was/is clear: she felt threatened by me. Like defensiveness and “people pleasing”, unprovoked jealousy (aka cattiness or envy) comes from a place of insecurity. As academic/author James Leonard Park explains, unprovoked “jealousy arises because of three [related] factors:

1) comparison
2) competition and
3) the fear of being replaced”.

Now, the important factor that distinguishes unprovoked jealousy versus provoked jealousy (we’ll be discussing this next week) is “rational thinking” or a lack thereof, I should say. In the above described example, it is not as though I deliberately selected my outfit and styling in an attempt to “show up” the older woman. For that matter, we had never been acquainted before that very moment nor did either of us know the other would be in attendance. Yet, somehow, on a subconscious level, my appearance was perceived by her as an “attack” to her self-concept. Accordingly, instead of acknowledging the truth of the matter (ie: that she was under-dressed), she projected her insecurities onto me via criticism in an attempt to regain her confidence and win back the perceived lost respect from her “granddaughter”.

As per Park’s three factors, the older woman compared herself to me, saw me as competition in terms of being a potential rolemodel for the little girl, and because the older woman feared being replaced in her position as rolemodel, she used the only ammunition she had available to her: defensive criticism. As we’ve already discussed at length, this falls into the psychologically IMmature response category.

I’d be bending the truth if I didn’t come right out and say we all get jealous (myself included) from time-to-time. What sets apart the psychologically mature and immature however is how said “green” feelings are dealt with:

How to Overcome Unprovoked Jealousy

• For starters, acknowledge there will ALWAYS be those who are MORE talented, beautiful, intelligent, well-off than you are etc. BUT also acknowledge that you will be perceived exactly that same way by others.
  
  
• Develop a self concept defined by what Parks refers to as “irreplac-ability”, in which you identify all of the factors about yourself that make you uniquely you. Take pride in your uniqueness.
  
  
• Self-talk is crucial: if you find yourself becoming catty toward someone (and this applies to guys and gals alike, don’t kid yourself), ask yourself what it is about this other individual that you find so threatening?
  
  
• And finally, acknowledge that those you’re jealous of can actually be fantastic resources as well as sources of motivation. If they have something you don’t have but want, instead of wasting energy putting them down (and making yourself look like a jerk in the process), re-direct that energy toward self-developing exercises in which you strive to achieve that which you feel you are lacking. Respect what others have to offer and what you can learn from them. Who knows? They may even turn out to become some of your greatest allies.

One final caveat: There’s nothing “sexy” about real life arguments between women. Any guy who thinks that “cat fights” will miraculously turn into stripteases in which he’ll merit an invitation for a threesome in an idiot.

Vol #1, Col #7: En Garde!

As our discussion of “dissociative anonymity” proved, having a disagreement with a stranger, even if it leads to verbal abuse, is an entirely different ballgame than arguing with someone to whom you have personalities, either professionally or personally. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love or respect someone (and vise versa), sometimes things are still said and done that really can’t be taken back. Unlike what the childhood rhyme would suggest, words can AND do cause considerable pain.

Emotions can be both wonderful and debilitating sensations,often simultaneously. As Courtney Love so eloquently put it, “I love so much I hate.” Because emotions like psychoactive substances can become overwhelming to one’s being (mentally, physically and spiritually), developing self-control,learning coping strategies and importantly, mature conflict resolution is essential to one’s very survival. In fact, as a course in criminology I once took taught me, the number one type of homicide is that which occurs between two males, 18-24, fighting over the same female mate. Yes…love can kill.

In any argument, you will find yourself in one of two roles: that of the instigator or that of the retaliator. While both terms conjure up negative connotations, it’s important to understand that conflict in itself is NOT necessarily a bad thing. Rather, it’s how you deal with it that determines whether the outcome is positive or negative. In fact, many psychologists argue that conflict can be the breeding ground for both self and relationship growth.For example, though initiating emotional discussions is not anyone’s particular cup of tea, dealing with issues when they occur (as opposed to bottling up one’s feelings) is a more mature and healthy response in that it prevents resentment, which can lead to subconscious attempts to sabotage the offender,from building up. Likewise, while it may not be a pleasant experience to hear someone out in terms of how you’ve hurt or offended them (it bruises one’s ego after all), allowing yourself to get defensive and failing to validate the  other party’s feelings only ever makes small conflicts turn into maelstroms. With this said, if you’ve got to tango, you need to learn the moves. In any conflict:

1)     It’s important to talk openly, calmly and honestly:

If you don’t feel comfortable in expressing yourself candidly, you may want to contemplate what the relationship in question actually means to you. Those who love, respect and value you will accept you,warts and all. That’s their job as is yours to reciprocate. Accordingly, if you’ve done something stupid, wrong, hurtful, whathaveyou, be mature and own up to it. Accepting responsibility for your actions is one of the first major steps to growing up.

2)      To avoid defensive reactions which bar communications, learn to preface your complaints with statements of care:

For example, before launching into how the offender has hurt you, say something gentle along the following lines: “I’d really like us to be able to have an open and mature relationship with each other so that we can better understand each other’s perspectives. With that said, I’d like to speak with you about what happened the other day. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but (this)and (this action) really hurt my feelings.”

I know this may seem like a bunch of gobbly-goop, but honestly, just making a few statements such as those above before participating in a full-on emotional discourse can save you from getting into a further conflict about the argument itself! There are a few important aspects of the above preface worth mentioning:

 a) the emphasis on what you desire in your relationship with the other person. By stating outright how much you value the other person, their perspective and what ideally you’d like to work toward with them relationship-wise, it minimizes the chance of a defensive reaction by reaffirming your words are coming from a place of care and a desire to fix issues, rather than create them.

b) the emphasis on ‘speaking with’ the individual, rather than ‘speaking’ to them. Subtle changes in word phrasing can result in dramatic effects, both for the better or worst. By using the expression “speak with” in this context rather than “to speak to”, it illustrates your desire for cooperative non-confrontational discussion as opposed to lecturing or belittling which again, for obvious reasons, will minimize the chance of a defensive reaction.

c) the emphasis on owning your feelings. Again, though subtle, stating that you felt hurt (ie: an ‘I statement’)as opposed to “YOU HURT ME” (ie: a ‘You Statement’) makes a world of difference in terms of the reaction it’ll merit. By owning your feelings in discussions,it allows you to explain your point-of-view, while at the same time compelling the offender to validate your feelings by demonstrating empathy. 

3)     If there’s a chance things will get heated, set ground rules for discussion such as allotting each speaker a time limit to express their concerns, while making it clear that personal attacks will not be tolerated.

If one or both parties begins to “brickwall” (ie: gets so emotional that there’s no logic in their words and they’re effectively only spewing fire from a defensive stance), it may be best to leave the “scene of the crime” until you’ve both had a chance to cool down. Note however it’s important to not leave the discussion hanging in limbo for too long as that too could breed further problems.

4)     Avoid both saying and accepting the “I’m Fine” statement:

In a word, it’s b.s. If there’s a distinct frustration,anger, annoyance etc. in someone’s tone of voice and they tell you “they’re fine”, don’t buy it. That’s not license to poke and prod them however as this will likely only piss them off further. A more successful approach would be stating something along the lines of, “I don’t wish to irritate you, but it seems to me there is something on your mind. If you’d like to speak about it,I’d be happy to listen. I’m just concerned is all.” As with the last suggested phrasing, there are some key aspects to point out here:

a)      the emphasis on not wishing to create further problems and a genuine concern for the individual’s well being. By including both of these considerations in your approach, it should help the individual feel “safe” in expressing their concerns as well as calm any anger that may be brewing, even if what has gotten them riled up in the first place directly involved something you said or did. 

b)      the use of “it seems to me” and “I’m concerned”: Again both of these phrasings indicate an owning of your emotions without putting words into the other party’s mouth. If the individual is using the “I’m Fine” statement, the last thing you want to do is assume you know what’s bothering them. NEVER assume anything in a conflict - people will and do surprise you.

c)       the emphasis on when THEY’D like to speak about what’s ailing them. You’ve effectively put the ball in the other person’s court, BUT IMPORTANTLY ALSO indicated you’d like to resolve the issue. This demonstrates a mature approach and again should help the individual open up in a more timely and calm manner.

5)     ALWAYS avoid childish “I told you so”-like remarks as well as passive aggressiveness (ie:acting like everything is fine, only to turn around seemingly of nowhere and explode). I believe this is self-explanatory.

6)      Learn the Art of Forgiving and Letting Go:

You’ve heard the expression, “focus on the task at hand.”While usually uttered in reference to the workplace, it would do you a great service to also employ said suggestion when it comes to conflict resolution.Ongoing guilt-tripping is psychological abuse intended to manipulate and establish unfair power dynamics in a relationship. It’s a low move and accomplishes nothing...nothing positive anyway.

Conflicts, as I stated near the beginning of this piece, can serve as a tremendous source of growth, but that’s only if you allow yourself and others to move forward, learn from your mistakes and let go.

As for forgiving others, set limits and know them. Some acts are altogether unforgiveable – that’s a given -- but remember, forgiveness benefits you just as much as the offender. Studies have proven that maintaining grudges not only affects individuals on an emotional level, but further can affect one’s physical health. The same goes for living with guilt.  

And finally…

7)      Remember, there is a HUGE difference from the listener’s perspective in terms of being outright called a derogatory comment VERSUS having one’s actions labelled as symptomatic of that derogatory comment (ie: you are a bitch vs. you are being a bitch).

Yes, that’s right folks, for clarity purposes, I’m referencing yet again the concept of the “personal attack.” The former statement above implies a permanent character trait that one cannot change, while the latter points out that while you are clearly displeased with the individual’s current choices/behaviour, you still love/respect them. Criticize actions, not individuals. In other words, this week’s lesson: fight fair. 

Vol #1, Col #6: The Great Debate

As an editorialist, I tend to walk (erm…write) on the “controversial” side of the spectrum. Touching upon subjects like whether religion or science has caused more human catastrophe, whether certain behaviours should remain gendered and/or whether humans have the right to play “God” via technological intervention, for example…I’m sure you get why I tend to piss a lot of people off.  

But, of course this is NOT my motivation, but rather a symptom of the fact that individuals frequently get emotional when one expresses strong convictions about well…just about anything. I must be doing my job right however if I’m at least getting you thinking; after all, you wouldn’t be reacting emotionally unless that were being accomplished. Just saying… 

The problem, in my view, does not lay within maintaining opinions nor expressing them. As someone who gets paid to tout her thoughts, I’d be a huge hypocrite if I were not always readily and happily available for a good debate. Instead, the problem rests in our reactions upon hearing something that flies in the face of everything we believe, likely always have believed and/or hold dear to our hearts. When it comes to differences of opinion, what sets apart the psychologically mature and immature then comes down to three distinct characteristics:  

1) the former does not cling to his/her values, attitudes and beliefs in ignorance (ie: he/she has strong validation, if not research to which to refer to back up his/her opinions. In a word, such an individual is “invested” into who they are and why they believe what they do. There’s that good old introspection again!) 

2) the former is willing to admit errors in judgement upon the acquisition of new information and therefore adjust his/her views accordingly 

And finally and most importantly, 3) the former is respectfully accepting of the opinions of others, even when they directly contradict his/her own views (ie: he/she will simply “agree to disagree”) 

With all of this said, I hope it is obvious that it is NOT the receipt of impassioned emails I receive from readers pointing out the “flaws” (in their opinions) of my views that bothers me. In fact, I ALWAYS (and you can quote me on this) take the time to read through their arguments and respond in an objective fashion. The issue I have is when my simple expression of a given opinion somehow transforms me in my entirety into an individual characterized by a derogatory comment, particularly when it’s being uttered by someone who doesn’t know a thing about me other than the fact we do not see eye-to-eye in ONE area. This is what is known psychologically-speaking as a “personal attack”. But before I get into that definition, I’d like to point out what I feel are two important pieces of information to consider from my perspective in this equation (sorry for all the numbered lists!):  

1) I don’t recall ever forcing anyone to read my writings

Moreover, 2) I don’t recall ever forcing anyone to accept my opinions as their own  

Now, in any disagreement with another individual, you always have a clear choice in terms of how maturely you will phrase your reactions. Admittedly, we all get heated at times and say things out of turn, but a huge aspect of developing psychological maturity is getting a handle on one’s emotions (ie: both being able to control oneself and further being able to understand why one reacts the way he/she does).  

With all of this said, there’s a HUGE difference in terms of strongly disagreeing with someone on a given subject matter and not liking them as an individual altogether. I should know being the hippie artistic child of a highly successful entrepreneurial businessman father: when it comes to the subject of the value of money or the government’s right to taxation, we couldn’t possibly be singing from more different song sheets. Our difference in opinion however is not “just cause” for me hating my pops nor calling him a selection of profanities. So why has this unduly treatment been issued to me and other entertainers/personalities? Well a few reasons (oh man, another numbered list?! I know, I know I apologize in advance.):  

1) when you work under the public’s scrutiny, "the common joe" seems to believe that your feelings don’t get hurt as easily or as much when shit is slung in your general direction, and/or you can or SHOULD be able to take more shit than the average person. FYI this is NOT always true.   

2) when a psychologically immature individual is faced with evidence that may cause him/her to re-examine (or examine for the first time) the rationale driving his/her beliefs which is an aspect of his/her self-concept, instead of being introspective, he/she will often react defensively and emotionally as a means of self-preservation (something we discussed last week)  

and 3) this week’s discussion: the concept of anonymity. The individuals who send me and others “hate mail” don’t truly “know” who we are as people and therefore have no obligatory ties to us. In sum, unlike if I were to call my dad a dick for believing something I could not even begin to conceive of, the aforementioned “hate mailers” suffer little to no consequences for their actions.  

As explained by Rider University’s Dr. John Suler in, CyberPsychology and Behavior: “Anonymity works wonders for the disinhibition effect. When people have the opportunity to separate their actions from their real world and identity, they feel less vulnerable about opening up. Whatever they say or do can't be directly linked to the rest of their lives. They don't have to own their behavior by acknowledging it within the full context of who they ‘really’ are. When acting out hostile feelings, the person doesn't have to take responsibility for those actions. In fact, people might even convince themselves that those behaviors ‘aren't me at all.’ In psychology this is called ‘dissociation.’” 

As you’ll recall, I earlier stated that I always take the time to write back to my “hate mailers” and probe them further to question themselves as to why they hold the views they do, while gently reminding them that a difference of opinion is not grounds for verbal abuse. Interestingly, I NEVER receive responses; a fact that very much confirms Suler’s analysis that those engaged in “dissociative anonymity” do not categorize their actions as an encompassment of who they are. To respond would force them to own up to their actions, whereas failing to carry on a dialogue and actually getting to know me as an individual allows them to maintain their prejudicial views. It isn’t a stretch to consider then that racism is commonly based upon similar foundations (ie: lack of exposure to/ignorance of other groups outside of one’s own immediate periphery).

In sum, while issuing “personal attacks” may allow the instigator of such to achieve a temporary feeling of quasi-“superiority” based on an avoidance to look within, from a psychological stance, it’s a logical fallacy to divert an argument to belittling unless the goal were to determine who is willing to sink to a lower level (see political “muckracking” campaigns if you require more proof). Likewise, it’s a logical fallacy to possess feelings of hatred toward strangers and/or label strangers hurtful derogatory comments seeing as it literally does not make sense to harbour such strong feelings when there is no actual emotional connection (yet another indication one should look within, instead of outward). In other words, and as we’ll cover more next week, by all means go forth and debate, but first learn the art of “fighting fair.”

Vol #1, Col #5: Bloody Pirates!

Once upon a time in a land not too far away, I made the naïve presumption that the world of theatre was somehow more legit than that of rock’n’roll. That was until the following story was relayed to me… 

Excited to endeavour to express his artistic side via a new medium, I’ve been assured that the motivation behind the actions in which my good friend (who will remain nameless, out of respect) partook that I’m about to describe, stemmed only from a desire to achieve what was best for the production for all involved.  

Upon being cast for their various roles, he along with the others were issued a score, script and cd featuring the musical’s key tracks and provided with the simple instructions that they were to familiarize themselves with each before formal rehearsals began. Well, one can only imagine the dismay he and his fellow cast members experienced when practises started and they discovered that one of the featured tracks was to be performed in a completely different (MUCH higher) key than what was featured on the disc. Worse, the leads in the song were clearly “actors” more than “singers” and their struggle to hit the right pitches was apparent to everyone. 

Several under-the-breath comments, grimaces and questions were issued toward the musical director (MD, for short) of the production, but he seemed either oblivious or uninterested in catering to the strengths of the cast. My friend gave him the benefit of the doubt that it was the former and sent him a politely worded email that I agree was anything but confrontational bringing this concern to the MD’s attention. The message emphasized that my friend was merely speaking on behalf of himself and SOME of his fellow cast members with whom he’d conversed, and proposed that perhaps at the next rehearsal a poll could be taken to see how everyone was feeling in regard to the new key of the song.  

Now admittedly, this was my friend’s first ever experience with community theatre and therefore he’s willing to admit it’s possible he did not correctly follow protocol here, however it only seemed logical to him (and me, for that matter) that if one had a music-related concern, they’d address it toward the music director. But I digress… 

Believe it or not, my friend’s seemingly innocuous act addressing what he felt was only a minor concern led to all hell breaking loose and the MD proceeding to send out a mass email to the entire cast and crew accusing my friend of being the ringleader in a “mutiny” against him. Instead of even attempting to resolve this matter professionally (keep in mind my friend even offered to apologize to everyone despite the fact he’s still not certain where he went wrong), my friend was as they say “cut” from the show.

Now there are several different psychological concepts this story houses within itself (ie: outgroup versus in-group mentality and “scapegoat-ism” to mention a few), but I’d like to offer a theoretical hypothesis for the MD’s over-the-top response:

Generally as a result of some sort of trauma or bullying they've experienced, certain individuals (usually those with pre-existing insecurities) develop what is known as a “hypersensitive” disposition as a means of self-preservation. Essentially, on a subconscious level their minds become primed to react consistently in a “survival protectionist mode” (also known as “defensiveness”) anytime anyone proposes even the slightest objection/suggestion in regard to their actions. Given that I’m told the MD was an eccentric fellow and member of a minority group, I’m gonna hazard a guess and suggest that he likely continues to be/has been in the past tormented by others.  

Because of this hypersensitivity, such individuals are unable to react rationally (ie: non-defensively/non-emotionally/non-combatively) even when NO clear “personal attacks” are issued (personal attacks to be discussed at length in the near future). As leadership mentor Shelley Holmes explains in her hit e-book, Influence Your Way to Success, a hypersensitive reaction occurs when one feels psychologically “unsafe” in conversation. This feeling of “unsafeness” is triggered by a fear of, “being found to be less than what they want others to perceive them as, a loss of status, [a belief that one’s] self-image is under challenge, [a belief that one’s] self-esteem is threatened or finally a fear of rejection”. Basically, anything that doesn’t fit into the context of “praise” regardless of the tone used, content discussed or the person who is uttering said remarks is interpreted as a means to “go to war”.  

It’s important to recognize that the MD’s elected form of strategy (ie: to form a gossip train) instead of having a mature adult discussion with my friend directly or at the least asking the director of the show to act as a mediator between them to resolve the issue, further exemplifies (t)his behaviour is rooted in insecurity: why else would one launch a “smear your enemy/pity me campaign” unless it were to seek the validation of others and therefore denounce any sense of personal responsibility for causing the concern? That’s highschool tactics 101.

The biggest problem however when it comes to hypersensitive individuals is that if you point out their defensiveness, it generally only leads to them then becoming defensive about being defensive. Eugh! Suffice it to say there’s a reason that defensiveness has been labelled one of the “four horsemen of [relationship] apocalypse” by psychology professor and marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman. It not only impedes communication between parties, but ALSO self-reflection on behalf of the individual afflicted by this issue. The reality is this: defensiveness like depression is ultimately something the bearer of said behaviour has to overcome by first being willing to admit they have a problem.  

If you should ever (god forbid) find yourself in a situation wherein you’re dealing with a hypersensitive individual, how you react in turn will undoubtedly be affected by your relationship to him/her. If, for example, you’re dealing with a loved one, the best advice I can offer is to gently remind them that the motivation behind whatever you’ve said or done that’s resulted in their defensiveness is purely coming from a place of care and therefore there is no need for them to feel threatened. If on the other hand you encounter this behaviour from a stranger, superior or someone with better established political ties within the group, you may very well be screwed as my poor friend was. 

Vol #1, Col #4: Changing Tides

As a Leo, one of my strongest traits is my sense of loyalty: believe me, I would do ANYTHING for the people I love. BUT, there comes a time in one’s life wherein your relationship dynamics with others vastly change.

As we age, enter long-term romantic partnerships and begin to plan out our futures (careers and otherwise), we want to be surrounded by those who not only have similar interests, but also SIMILAR VALUES. We lose patience for the drama-rama b.s. and we frankly also don’t have time for it (especially when we start to pump out babies!).

In a nutshell, we want our friends to be there for us when the going gets tough, but we also want the assurance of knowing that if we cannot see or speak to them for a few months on end, our relationships will NOT fall apart over trivialities. The key therefore to maintaining mature adult relationships does not revolve around how much time is spent together, but letting the other person know how much you truly VALUE the time you do spend together.

As Aristotle pointed out in his work The Nichomachean Ethics oh-so-many years ago, there are three basic friendship formation patterns and those patterns typically (though not always) correspond with age (psychological age that is):

1) Friendships Based on Pleasure: this type of friendship provides you with enjoyable company and/or affection. In elementary school, for example, two pals may bond over nothing more than a shared love for a board game or cartoon giving them a partner with whom they can participate in recreational pursuits. 

2) Friendships Based on Utility: this type of friendship provides you with access to something you desire; you may or may not even like the individual beyond what they can “get” you. For example, in highschool, friendships are often pretentious (or strategic, depending upon how you look at things) based on little beyond trying to score points popularity-wise or using someone for their partying “ins”.

3) Friendships Based on Goodness: this type of friendship is based upon a deeper bond in that you desire the person’s company because you see good in them, but also desire good for that individual in a selfless manner because of a genuine care for them. Friendships based on goodness are the definition of TRUE mature adult friendships.  

As I’m sure it’s pretty self-evident based upon the above descriptions, as one’s life situation evolves their friend circle(s) typically follow suit. For instance, if you’re involved in a romantic relationship, you likely have more “couples friends” than your single counterparts. Similarly, if you’ve just embarked on your professional journey, you’ll start to meet people (with whom you likely have more in common than your school buddies) via work, networking parties and travel.  

With all of this said, there will unavoidably be some painful friendship dissolutions given that not everyone grows up at the same rate…or sometimes at all. I mean, if you’ve got a spouse, kids, fancy car and career, do you really think you’ll still be hanging out with one of your highschool buddies who hit his/her peak in their teens and continues to recall their glory days in drunken hazes? I’m gonna hazard a guess and say probably not. It comes down to this: you simply no longer have the same things (hobbies nor values) in common as you’re no longer leading lives in the same direction. Let me break it down to you via a personal momento:

Remember that “trainwreck” friend of mine I was telling you about last week? I felt it only fair to relay to you the conclusion of our story. Like any dysfunctional largely one-sided relationship, it could only last so long. The breaking point for me coincided with the traumatic breakup with my fiancé (nothing like a double whammy):

When she had heard the news of our split, she rushed to my aid and attempted to build me back up, swearing that if she ever came face-to-face with him again, she’d give him a serious piece of her mind and a full-on ass kicking. Despite her apparent disgust with my ex’s philandering, a month later I discovered apparently SHE had been “dating” a MARRIED man WHO HAD KIDS and was STILL LIVING WITH HIS WIFE! What’s worse is that she was perfectly okay with the fact their dates consisted of going to strip clubs together!

She claimed he didn’t love his wife but HAD to stay with her “for the sake of the kids” (right….). I asked her to think about his wife sitting at home – how she might feel if she found out about their affair? I asked her to picture ME at home being the wife that was being screwed around on. Did that make the situation any less kosher for her to swallow? 

As per my friend’s typical style, it was excuse upon excuse and allowance upon allowance. Nothing I had said or done for her throughout the time we’d known each other seemed to have made any impact. She got herself into a mess yet again and somehow justified it. Yet, couldn’t even fathom of the fact that the HELL she was now experiencing (ie: our final fight) was BROUGHT ON BY HERSELF. I knew it’d be the same old story. I knew she’d once again spin it for sympathy. If you can believe it, she actually tried to throw in MY face that my love for her was supposed to be “unconditional” and how dare I ruin our friendship over her personal choices.

As you know, I bailed her out time and time again, but the difference in this circumstance was pretty black and white: how could I reasonably accept her actions YET simultaneously reject those of my partner when they were one in the same? Wouldn’t that make me the world’s biggest hypocrite and/or pushover? Wouldn’t that make me a serious victim of what Festinger coined “cognitive dissonance”?! Indeed it would. Indeed I couldn’t. Not to mention as a feminist, I had/have some pretty serious objections to the concept of a “strip club” being an appropriate setting for a date…but I digress. 

So as it were, with my engagement went one of my so-called “best” friends. But as I hope all of you have gathered at this point, ALL healthy mature adult relationships are about mutuality first and foremost. I think it’s safe to say that NEITHER my engagement nor above described friendship fit that description.

Vol #1, Col #3: The World’s Smallest Violin

I had this friend. The term “trainwreck” cannot even begin to characterize her. Convinced her life was a melodramatic soap opera PURELY as a result of the fact she was riddled with an unfortunate family situation and even more unfortunate perpetual (in her opinion) bad luck, no matter what life handed to her (good or bad), she ALWAYS found some way of focussing on the negative to such an extent that everyday, her life was seemingly “over”. I’m sure you’ve all known individuals like her yourself. They suffer from something entitled “the poor me syndrome”, first noted by UK psychologists Paul Chadwick and Peter Trower.

Admittedly, as a naïve egocentric solipsistic teenager (Ah the life of a teenager where acne and popularity were our all-consuming dilemmas of the day!), I too once viewed the world from this point of view and resultingly, suffered from regular bouts of depression. HOWEVER, one day I woke up and decided I had had enough. And on that day, I came to the realization that happiness is largely a CHOICE as it’s a reflection of one’s CHOSEN personality disposition. In sum, I grew up!  
 

This is not to take anything away from my former friend’s situation, as being the daughter of a woman who was in and out of rehab and relationships most certainly wouldn’t have been easy. HOWEVER, there is NO mandate which dictates that one must never aim to rise above their situation. On the contrary, some of the greatest figures we’ve had in history have done just that. The continual issue I had with my friend was her BLIND HYPOCRISY.

On the one hand, she’d state so fervently she did NOT want to turn out like her mother, and accordingly would ask for my advice when she didn’t know how to handle difficult situations. YET, at the same time, for the duration of our friendship, somehow justified dating an abusive drug dealer who rewarded her sobriety by giving her deals on eightballs of coke and despite telling me it was over with him several times, continued to sleep with him, got pregnant, and then had to get not one but TWO abortions. Told ya I wasn’t over-exaggerating the “trainwreck” part.

Throughout my travels, I’ve met quite a few “interesting” characters on the road, and I’ve come to the conclusion that those who exhibit similar traits to my above-described ex-friend subconsciously get themselves into these dilemmas ON PURPOSE because it’s the ONLY way they feel they can get the world to focus on them, if only for a moment. Like the neglected child who acts out in school, bad attention is better than none at all.

This kind of subconscious drama-seeking comes from a place of SEVERE low self-esteem and self-loathing, but rather than admit the problem is with themselves, these individuals revert to immaturity when in crises, projecting all of their negativity outward. This allows them to come to the “rational” conclusion that the world is simply “against them”, rather than admitting they’re acting like idiots and assholes. You reap what you sow.

The “poor me” syndrome is a coping mechanism that deflects self-responsibility and self-monitoring. You’ll find that this syndrome is particularly common among those with addictive tendencies. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than hearing an addict claim they want to get better (to save face) only to witness them revert back to their lifestyle as soon as the show is over.

How to Handle These Kinds of Individuals

I would never suggest to any of you to cut individuals out of your life – that’s a personal choice that should not be taken lightly as it’s something you’ll have to live with forever. But, let me warn you it’ll be a long and ridiculously bumpy road if you continue to allow yourself to be subjected to this drama. With that said, I’d like to offer you a few words of wisdom I’ve learned from this experience and others to make your travels a little less rugged:

1)      Do NOT make excuses for these people. If you don’t see them for who/what they really are, they will never get out of the “poor me” mindset.

2)      Do NOT bend over backward for these people. It’s a well known fact that addicts and depression sufferers ONLY get better when THEY make the CHOICE to do so. All the love and support in the world will NOT change a person. They have to want to change for themselves.

3)      Do NOT continually bail these people out as it will only result in your relationship with them becoming yet another thing to which they’re “addicted.”

4)      Do NOT fill their heads with grandiose ideas they will never be able to achieve or live up to. Call a spade a spade. Encourage them, be there for them, BUT be realistic. The “inflated ego” syndrome which develops to mask a low self-concept is a whole nother can of worms we’ll be tackling in the future.

Importantly, if left unaddressed, this “poor me syndrome” can escalate to a paranoid personality disorder plagued by self-victimization, delusions of persecution and deliberate attempts to manipulate others in order to gain sympathy (a form of psychological abuse). Scary stuff!

 

Read more at: www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe01.html 

Vol #1, Col #2: "Please" Sir, May I Have Some More?

Deep down, most of us are insecure in some capacity. Whether it’s the slight bump on your nose, the extra 10 lbs. you recently gained or that one crooked tooth that ruins your otherwise Hollywood smile, no one (not even Angelina Jolie) can live up to the impossible standards of beauty and perfection society promotes. What’s worse is that oftentimes in childhood, we are subjected to bullying and teasing. So, if we weren’t already feeling “less than fresh” about these seemingly minor personal blemishes, “meanies” point out these flaws of ours, skyrocketing our self-conscious tendencies to a whole new level. But bullying frequently doesn’t just stop there!

In the infamous words of Madonna, “we are living in a material world” (ie: we’re focused on the surface of things), meaning that based on the “cover” of each individual’s “book”, we make assumptions about the kind of person they may be. What god gave you, the clothes you wear, your makeup habits, how you speak and even your gait can all affect how greater society views you…and therefore treats you. In fact, psychological research has proven general trends that we go so far as human beings to believe that those who are physically attractive undoubtedly ALSO possess attractive “character qualities” (ie: they’re assumed to be smarter, more competent and more honest just cause they’re good looking! But we all know what happens when you assume…) Unfortunately for those of us who were NOT born in the likenesses of Marilyn Monroe or James Dean, it’s a much tougher battle trying to win people over. The result of all of this societal pressure is the employment of some sort of defense mechanism in order to cope.

Admittedly, I was one of those persons ostracized and belittled in my formative years. If it weren’t my gothic/punk-inspired personal grooming habits I was being mocked for (and even spat on! Damn conservative ultra-conformist Catholic school!!!), it was my eloquence with words. Funnily enough, these so-called “flaws” of mine are largely responsible for my success and many opportunities I’ve been granted, both career and otherwise, as an adult (Oh, the irony is not lost on me). Importantly however, it’s not simply the existence of my individuality that has helped me get to where I am. After all, we all bring unique qualities to the table. Rather, it’s my attitude and how I learned to cope with these “childhood traumas” that has allowed me to progress as I have.

Essentially, you have three major choices:

1)                          You develop a “thick skin” and come to the conclusion that it’s quite literally impossible to please everyone; therefore, those who truly matter will accept, love and support you no matter what.

2)                          You overcompensate for your insecurities by developing a sense of cockiness, insensitivity and bravado, making wild claims that NOTHING affects you emotionally (we’ll talk more on this later). 

OR

3) You become the subject of today’s discussion: a constant “people pleaser”. You limit your self-expression and change “with the tides” in order to win EVERYONE over in a quest to achieve unconditional acceptance (often because on a subconscious level you didn’t feel loved or appreciated enough as a child). Of course, when this backfires and for no justifiable reason someone just frankly doesn’t like or accept you, it becomes evident how dangerous this coping strategy truly is.

In case you’re wondering, I went with door number one; a choice that was and continues to be compounded by my experiences in the music biz. Now, I’m not suggesting for everyone to become as cynical or as jaded as me, but having a sense of REALISM when it comes to life and human interactions is essential if you are striving to develop “psychological maturity”.

While Freud is primarily known for his controversial (and in many people’s eyes, disturbing) psychosexual theories, he had an interesting view of humanity that I believe rings true, especially in this circumstance. Allow me to paraphrase:

Humanity is inherently selfish in the sense that at the end of the day our primary driving force is to ensure our own personal survival (and that of our kin) at any cost. But throughout evolutionary history, we realized the benefit of collective work (ie: it increases efficiency/productivity which allows for more personal free time) and therefore we formed complex societies. Because our natural tendency is to be “me-oriented”, we had to create and implement rules, regulations, laws and mores in order to successfully function as a group and limit (as much as humanly possible) acts of deviance (Civilization and Its Discontents).

With all of this said, I’m sure you can appreciate just how mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting of a life it can/will be if you choose to try and “people please” when 99% of the rest of humanity lives according to the aforementioned mindset.

This is NOT to say you should become an asshole toward people without cause or assume that everyone will be an asshole toward you (don’t confuse “characteristic selfishness” with “evolutionary selfishness”). That kind of pessimistic “woe is me” thinking is just as dangerous as “people pleasing”. Essentially the secret is in finding a balance: you don’t want to lose yourself, but sometimes (particularly when dealing with authority figures), you cannot always express yourself unapologetically and without censorship.

Be sure to judge each circumstance as individual, but remember, you should NEVER compromise who you are to such an extent that you can’t even recognize the motives behind the actions in which you’re engaging. That my friends would lead to regret and that’s a whole nother can of worms in itself.