Vol #1, Col #18: Call it a Case of the “Blues”

Originally ‘symptomatically’-noted by good old Siggy Freud, but not formally defined until 1965 in a groundbreaking article by Elliot Jaques, the term “mid-life” crisis has become so ubiquitous within society that the image of a 60 year-old greying man, dressed to the nines, driving a hot red convertible and accompanied by a twenty-something blonde bimbo undoubtedly brings to mind an attempt to “recapture” one’s youth driven by a “fear of impending death”(…that or Charlie Sheen, but he’s a whole ‘nother discussion in himself).

Less familiar and only introduced in the earlier half of the 2000s, the concept of the “quarter-life” crisis is said to affect those just ending their adolescent years up until their mid-thirties. Whereas “death” is hypothesized to act as the impetus behind a “mid-life” crisis, “life” (as in you’re no longer a child, but now an adult with adult responsibilities and obligations) has the same effect on those of us facing the second “quarter” of our journeys.

Despite the gap in age when these two phenomena are said to strike, there are clear similarities between them. As explained in Psychology Today, both crises are brought on by an “assessment” of one’s life in terms of where one currently is VS where one wants to be or believes he/she should be.

Now, it’s perfectly healthy from a psychological perspective to have major life goals and expectations when it comes to your relationships, career aspirations, important personal possessions (ie: house and car) and even your physical appearance. Moreover, it’s perfectly healthy (and in fact ENCOURAGED) to regularly do “self check-ins” in terms of the aforementioned items to ensure you’re happy with your choices and leading the kind of life you truly desire. Where these practises become pathological in nature is when they lead to deviant, unhealthy and uncharacteristic “reality avoiding” and/or “reality deluding” behaviour(s) such as: drug or alcohol abuse, appearance obsession, the acquisition of unusual or unaffordable items, participation in dangerous or illicit activities, excessive socializing or premature emotional intimacy with strangers to the detriment of one’s safety, projection of one’s feelings of failure onto others by setting unreasonable expectations, or engagement in extramarital or abusive affairs.    

As many studies on the subject have demonstrated, crises of this nature are typically brought on by some or all of the following types of feelings:

• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished within set timeframes (which often leads to depression)
  
• a fear of humiliation among perceived more “successful” colleagues or peers
  
• a desire to achieve feelings of youthfulness or attractiveness
  
• an inadequate work-life balance
  
• a desire to search for an undefined dream or goal (usually brought on by the feeling that one is “lost”, “alone” or has been on the “wrong” path all along)

There is no question that all of us, at some juncture, will find ourselves paralyzed by important life-altering conundrums. Often these decisions not only result in external life situation changes, but also internal psychological transformations.

Undergoing change is something our species has never dealt with very effectively. However, experiencing a “crisis” does not have to exclusively be a bad thing. In fact, many a spiritual/religious, relationship and career rebirth have been born from such conflicts, leading to happier and healthier overall individuals. It’s simply a matter of developing mature and rational coping methods; here the practise of positive psychology proves invaluable.

Let us return for a moment to my friend we talked about last week, who texted me in a panic because of her recent participation in a series of questionable behaviours… The more we got to talking, the more it became clear to me that she was/is struggling with her identity (call it a case of the “quarter-life” blues) because of a recent artistic transition, coupled with ongoing dissatisfaction at her formal place of employment.

Instead of practising introspection and taking proactive steps to rectify both situations, like those who’ve equally been afflicted by one of the above two “crises”, she allowed her self-esteem to plummet convincing herself that her whole world as she knew it was over and in turn, attempted to distract herself from this reality via cheap thrills (ie: acting out of character). The guilt response she exhibited toward me was naturally a result of the “cognitive dissonance” she experienced when she analyzed her recent actions against her self-concept.

As Humanist psychologist Rogers explains, one’s self-concept is comprised of three components: 1) one’s self-image (ie: how you see yourself), 2) one’s self-esteem (ie: how much value you place on yourself) and 3) one’s ideal self (ie: the best version of yourself: who you strive to be). While we cannot control external events that affect any of these three components, we CAN control our reactions to these events as well as our overall psychological thinking scheme.

In a nutshell, positive psychology is the new “psychoanalysis”, but instead of asking patients to delve deep into their unconscious realms in order to exercise all of the demons that lie below in an effort to reach psychological peace, it prescribes just the opposite. Positive psychology, as its namesake would suggest, asks those who are struggling psychologically to place their focus on all of the good things within their lives and to acknowledge the multidimensional nature of their existences.

While we all have unfortunate experiences we have to deal with, without those events, we wouldn’t be who we are and who we are is made up of several different personae we exhibit each day. I, for example, am a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a best friend, a mother to my felines, an employee, a cook, an artist, a writer and so forth! Because my friend limited her focus to her artistic and employment situation, she failed to acknowledge all of the wonderful things she is and all of the wonderful things she has going for her.

With this said, I’d like to propose that the “feelings” associated with the onslaught of these sorts of “crises” typically originate not purely from catastrophic life events, as such events are RARE. Rather, I believe our psychological functioning has become too deeply intertwined with the North American consumerist model resulting in tunnel vision, short sightedness and increasingly limited attention spans: we’ve been “taught” that happiness can be bought (and sold) and that nothing except “diamonds” (apparently) last forever. In sum, we’ve learned to focus on EVERYTHING BUT our psychological selves when it comes to solving problems (maybe it’s our thinking, what a concept)! To add insult to injury, even when we do focus on ourselves, we apply this same contorted model which results in us thinking it’s the absolute end of our existences when a relationship falls apart or a job is lost. Loss of any kind sucks yes, BUT you’re still alive so get to living.

As the old saying goes, “you can’t put all your eggs in one basket”…as you’ll be utterly screwed if and when that basket breaks (okay, so I added that last part in there but you know it’s true!). The point is this: self “check-ins” are a good thing; so too is acknowledging your true feelings. The psychologically mature, though, do NOT just stop there. If you’re unhappy with a situation, analyze what needs to be changed and make the necessary adjustments. If you’re unhappy with yourself? FOLLOW THE SAME STEPS JUST OUTLINED!!!

Vol #1, Col #17: Guilty as Charged!

The other day a girlfriend of mine texted me in a panic. Though her initial message merely read, “Hey what’s up?”, I knew immediately (call it a hunch, must’ve been a consequence of our recent discussion on gut feelings) her interest in contacting me went far beyond a casual check-in.

It didn’t take long after my prompt reply for her to proceed in sending me an uncensored description of all of the wrongdoings she had committed recently, followed by profuse apologies and a request for forgiveness (out of fear she’d lose me as a friend) as though I were some divine entity.

I explained to her while I did not in any way, shape or form condone her actions, I was in no position to judge another person as we all (including me!) make mistakes. Moreover despite her unfortunate choices as of late, I relayed to her, as ironic as it may sound, that the horrible feelings she was currently battling with were actually a good thing. After all, if she could commit atrocious acts on a regular basis without inspiring extreme feelings of remorse shortly thereafter, she’d fit one of the psychological profile characteristics of a serial killer (ie: lack of a conscience) and accordingly, I’m not so certain I’d feel safe enough to be her pal!

That of course is the irony of guilt: it makes you feel absolutely wretched, but you know what? That wretchedness is valuable as it acts as an instigator for growth, learning and yep, you guessed it, psychological maturity.

According to Martin Hoffman, Professor of Clinical Psychology at New York University, “the guilt response” is composed of both an emotional and cognitive element and is activated upon the acknowledgement that one has participated in an action that clashes with his/her self-concept in a detrimental capacity. Important in this definition is the understanding of how one’s emotions (ie: feelings and sensations) interact with one’s cognition (ie: logical thought processes).

As cognitive psychologist Piaget theorized, the ability to think about one’s actions abstractly and hypothetically is a capacity that does not typically develop until late childhood. As a consequence, the internalization of a sense of personal “morality” (ie: the capacity for forming judgments about what is morally right or wrong, good or bad, in terms of how said actions will affect others) cannot begin to form until around the same time period, at the very earliest.

The teaching of morality and responsibility then (at least in the initial stages) relies upon the behaviourist’s “primitive” model of reward/punishment. Essentially, if we are rewarded for “good” deeds even if we do not have the psychological capacity to understand that they are “morally” good, we will continue to commit them purely for the reward. On the other side of the equation, if we are punished for negative outbursts, equally it is presumed we will no longer be compelled to act in said fashion. Alas, if only it were that easy when we become grown-ups!

As we age, it seems the grey area between the black side of “wrong” and the white side of “good” expands, often leaving us in situations fraught with moral ambiguity. Throw the media’s influence, legislative and religious hypocrisy along with various cultural factors into the mix, and you’re left with more confusion that clarity. This however is NOT a piece about morality – that’s something you’ll need to figure out on your own (ie: what’s right for you) as you encounter various decisions and dilemmas throughout your life. Often times, situations, particularly of the heart, are powerful enough to act as the catalyst for an entirely new moral compass.

What I do hope you take away from this piece however is as follows: MATURITY IS the ability to admit you’ve made mistakes, the willingness to accept responsibility for any consequences that may result from your actions AND the desire to make amends NOT hold juvenile grudges.

In life, sometimes there are lessons that necessitate multiple “courses” before we fully digest the message. Often times, people continue to “reoffend” despite being cognisant of the Pandora’s box they know they’re going to open. As is the case with many, this apparent lack of foresight is typically accounted to one of two things: a) “tunnel vision” (ie: focussing too much on one’s immediate often superficial self-serving desire for thrills as opposed to long-term meaningful gratification) OR as was the case with my girlfriend b) a lack of a concrete and positive self-concept; something we’ll delve into more next week!

Vol #1, Col #16: Out of Your Head and Into Your Heart…And/or Gut

A couple of years ago I underwent a series of events that can only be accurately equated to how Neo must have felt in The Matrix upon taking the red pill. Essentially, I had to come to grips with the fact that EVERYTHING I thought was my reality was in actuality a façade. Just how deep the proverbial rabbit hole went, I will never know. But what I did discover about love, hate and everything in between left me forever changed.

Because I knew how detrimental it would be to my own sanity to keep all of the conflicting emotions I was experiencing bottled up, I did what I felt was the only viable option: I put pen to paper and wrote an autobiographical manuscript.

Seeking comfort and validation, I shared my tale with select close friends and a couple of my professors whom I greatly admired. Though my intention for doing so did NOT at all stem from a desire for praise, I couldn’t help but feel confused and disappointed when one of said individuals responded back with a list of criticisms that entirely focussed around my “literary license”, rather than my act of catharsis. To put it plainly, he missed the point.

As my head and heart were equally a mess, the manuscript took on a “stream of consciousness” vibe and admittedly, syntax was not at the forefront in terms of the force driving me to delve into the details. Though this individual remains an intellectual I respect, this whole circumstance got me contemplating about different facets of intelligence (IQ, EQ, commonsense, instinctual, survivalist etc.) and how a key to interpersonal success along with psychological maturity is knowing when it’s appropriate to apply each type.

What I’m trying to get at is this: because humans consider themselves the species holding the privileged place at the top of the food chain, we tend to almost exclusively encourage thinking with one’s brain, rather than feeling with one’s heart and/or listening to one’s primitive instincts. In business and school, obviously this strategy makes sense and proves effective. HOWEVER, when it comes to one’s personal life, platonic or romantic, there couldn’t possibly be worse advice!

In fact, groundbreaking findings based on five decades of study recently reported in the consumer periodical, Psychology Today, indicated that there’s really something to be said about that premonition-like sinking feeling we often get in the pits of our stomachs before assimilating bad news or engaging in activities we know we’ll ultimately regret. And no, it isn’t simply indigestion!

Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia, has found support for his theory that the stomach has a second “brain” of its own, known technically as the enteric nervous system (ENS, for short), capable of sending signals that affect “feelings of sadness or stress [and] influence memory, learning, and decision making,” independent of the controls in our cerebral cortex.

Considering that creatures “low on the evolutionary totem pole”, such as worms, are exclusively equipped with a single nervous system, similar in structure to our ENS, for all thinking, communicative and sensory activities, it isn’t that much of a stretch to buy into the notion that the complexity of the human brain “actually started out in the gut” (Emeran Mayer, director of the UCLA Center for Neurovisceral Sciences and Women’s Health as well as of the UCLA Center for Neurobiology of Stress). Even more fascinating is the discovery that experimenting with our naturally occurring “gut flora” can aid in alleviating major mood
disorders including depression!

With all of this said however, there remains an important caveat: that is, knowing WHEN to use WHICH brain(s) and/or form(s) of intelligence; something I’ve already alluded to. Despite his impressive dedication to the subject, Gershon is firm in the conviction that electing to “listen” to one brain over the other is not a cut/dry choice. While the stomach “brain” may add “exclamation points” to assist you in your decision making, it does not have the capability of “reasoning” independently. In his own words, “Better to use that gut feeling to review the situation with the first brain.”

To bring everything full circle, let us return momentarily to my opening story. What made the individual in question’s response to my uncensored outpouring of emotions so offensive was its analytical, fact-based medical-like diagnosis of “problems”. He was so much “in his head” that he couldn’t see past his own “perception” of how autobiographical pieces “ought” to be written. In other words, he failed to “feel” and allow the story to get “into his heart”…and perhaps his gut! As a consequence, he overlooked the most crucial element of all: real life – mine, in particular.

It goes without saying that said topic is messy, complicated and often doesn’t make sense. Ah, but there in lies the rub: is it nonsensical from a cerebral brain, heart brain or gut brain perspective? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

Vol #1, Col #15: “Consider” This

It is often pondered how much the outside world influences us: our decisions, our senses of self and that which we elect as ‘worth striving for’. Less often considered is how much each of us, as individuals, influence the outside world; a concept denoted as “interconnectivity.”

Given today’s globalized and technology-driven marketplace, our connection to diverse human groups, from sea-to-sea, is undeniable. However, our imprint as a species does not merely end there. The air we breathe out, the sustenance we consume, the habitats we build and even the energies and moods we emit further influence all other forms of life inhabiting this planet we call home. In other words, no creature or species lives in autonomous isolation (humans are no exception), and as we discussed last week, life on earth is cyclical and deeply intertwined.

Now let me make clear my preface is not meant to serve as an argument for environmentalism nor karma, I’m simply trying to establish that the process of developing a psychologically mature mindset goes beyond simply contemplating “the self”. One must too learn his/her “position” in the natural world and how that “position” influences other forms of life within his/her immediate AND/OR peripheral surroundings. In doing so, one is able to learn how to evaluate and react to situations after a thorough and objective investigation of multiple perspectives. In other words, a key to psychological maturity is mastering the art of “being considerate”.

As psychology was borne from the amalgamation of one part philosophy, it only makes sense that we turn to the concept of Sartre’s existentialism, this week, in order to gain insight into the above outlined concept.

Though Sartre made no qualms about the fact he was an atheist, ironically the crux of his treatise can be summed up by the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” (Matthew 7:12, King James Bible). Specifically, because Sartre did not believe a divine being was ultimately predetermining our actions as well as our “essences”, he placed the onus on individuals to act responsibility AND to take responsibility for how they act. More than just that however, he felt that humans determined their own morality through their choices, in that an individual’s participation in an activity symbolized their condonation of that same activity. In simpler terms, if I choose to be rude toward others, I have no right to be offended if I receive the same treatment in return, as my original behaviour determined I considered it morally “a-okay” to act in this manner. To make reference to yet another popular biblical verse: “you reap what you sow,” (Galatians 6:7).

But as developmental psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg points out in his “Moral Stages of Development”, a true sense of personal ethics and responsibility is not merely defined by attempts to ‘play nice’ in order to avoid reprisal. Those who have accomplished the highest stage in Kohlberg’s moral development scheme known as “post-conventionality” believe in adhering to an unwritten social contract that mandates “working toward the benefit of all.” Of course, this high aim is only possible if we all collectively agree on upholding the same values…Judging by our past and ongoing cultural clashes, I don’t see this happening anytime soon. HOWEVER, that does not give you an excuse not to at least practise basic human decency,
which I’d like to point out is transferrable (and appreciated) across human societies.

In her instructional hit, Using Your Values to Raise Your Child to Be an Adult You Admire, Dr. Harriet Heath outlines the following characteristics associated with “being considerate”:

1) having the ability to empathise and put yourself in “another’s shoes”

2) having the ability to predict how one’s actions will impact someone else and accordingly modulate one’s behaviours, if necessary

and 3) understanding what is “kindly” behaviour in your society/culture   

Importantly, Heath points out that one of the most profound ways humans of all ages learn is through “modelling”. I hate to sound like a broken record, but if you want others to be considerate toward you, the first step is learning to partake in this behaviour yourself.

Before any of you start feeling as though I’m instructing you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, I assure you I nor does anyone else expect you to become the next Gandhi or Mother Teresa.

The lesson here is NOT about trying to solve all of the world’s problems or attempting to spread “goodwill” across the globe (though I definitely applaud anyone with said ambition). Instead, what I’m trying to impart is that beyond understanding yourself, what makes you tick and owning up to all of your strengths as well as faults, it’s essential to recognize how you affect others, moreover learn how you can maximize POSITIVE effects. Look. Listen. Learn. Live.

Vol #1, Col #14: Learning to Resolve

Coping with death is considered one of, if not the most difficult aspect of human existence. But with every death, there is opportunity for rebirth and renewal. As the leaves fall off the trees in autumn and the plants shrivel up and fade, they lay the surface for new life come spring: acting as the foundation for fresh crops and sustenance for small organisms, which in turn become food sources for larger forms of life.

This is not to say that any death can simply be replaced by a birth. But rather this analogy is meant to illustrate that whether we are speaking about the physical parting of a human soul, the termination of a longstanding relationship, the loss of a job or even the metaphorical demise of an aspect of one self, all deaths produce means of new life through reflection, learning and growth. Even thinking about one’s own mortality has an effect on humans: causing us to conceive of thoughts and ideas we never did before or participating in activities we’ve been “putting off”.

While the shock of death causes us emotional pain – a pain we all deal with very differently – the important thing is to never allow oneself to dwell indefinitely. We, as a part of the earth and animal kingdom, cannot control the inevitability of death (though sometimes science makes scary attempts to do so). We can, however, control how we deal with death. And so, as we usher in the New Year, along with our annual resolutions, it only seemed appropriate to speak about learning from our pasts and using that learning to benefit our futures.

As a personal fitness trainer and an accredited nutritional expert boasting 35 years of experience working with all walks of life, a question my mom all too commonly encounters around this season is, “why do so many (an estimated 75%, in fact!) New Year’s resolutions fail?,” given that weight loss ranks among the highest in terms of resolution popularity.

Beyond just setting unrealistic and/or vague goals, researchers Mukhopadhyay and Johar point out that the very way in which many of us psychologically conceive of our self-promises may actually be setting us up to crash and burn. As their 2005 study entitled, Where There Is a Will, Is There a Way? Effects of Lay Theories of Self-Control on Setting and Keeping Resolutions, revealed resolution setters are not able to effectively accomplish what they’ve set out to do if they “believe” (and that’s the key word in this sentence) they lack inherent self-control. Moreover, the very phrasing of one’s resolutions (ie: the utilization of absolute terms such as “never” or “always”) may prove detrimental.

To this, psychologist Dr. Kit Yarrow adds that being dedicated to one’s goals may not be enough to resist temptation or bar pre-established psychological cues. Accordingly, she suggests for maximum effectiveness, one need to further change their routine as well as potentially the environment that is linked to the bad habits they’re trying to break. For example, if you always gorge on Cheetos and cola while watching the tele in your living room, repositioning your furniture, changing the location at which you spend your recreational time or adjusting the time period you commit to leisure within the same setting, can literally rewire your brain circuitry, thereby aiding in fulfilling your goals of self-renewal.

By far, the biggest contributor to resolution success or failure remains truly understanding what you’re getting yourself into. Prochaska and DiClemente’s “Stages of Change” model, first introduced in the late 1970s in a study that followed smokers who repeatedly tried to quit and repeatedly relapsed, reaffirms the necessity of introspection when grappling with goal setting. As they explain, a thorough investigation of the following three questions is a MUST before undergoing any action(s):

• Do you have the resources and knowledge to successfully make a lasting change? (defined as the “Readiness to Change”)
  
  
• Is there anything preventing you from changing? (defined as the “Barriers to Change”)
  
  
• What might trigger a return to a former behaviour(s)? (defined as the “Expectations and Circumstances Associated with Relapse”)

In other words, “the devil’s in the details.” One must recognize that the motivation driving a resolution is an acknowledgement of something you are currently dissatisfied with in your life. In essence, you wish to allow a negative aspect of yourself to die in an effort to generate a more positive future: a new way of living. Once you’ve TRULY and FULLY acknowledged this, making lame excuses, such as you lack self-efficacy, is increasingly LESS convincing to yourself and others. Perhaps that in itself could be your resolution - to develop stronger will power – I did provide you with tips on how to do so just a few issues ago…just saying. Don’t “resolve” to fail.

It’s commonly understood that it takes 28 days to break a bad habit and solidify a new proactive one. For the nicotine inhalers out there, they say, on average, it takes eight (yes, you read correctly) attempts to finally kick cigs to the curb. So, even if you’ve had minimal success in the past, do yourself a favour and “try, try again.”

Remember that breaking down large goals into smaller attainable milestones and providing yourself with access to moral support via your friends or the regular affirmation of your ability to start anew is ESSENTIAL. If you’ve spent this past year with me concluding that conducting an intensive introspection is much too daunting, perhaps working on a single New Year’s resolution will prove a good place for you to start ;)

Vol #1, Col #13: Bah Humbug!

I’m pretty darn conflicted about Christmas. Some may even claim I’m a bit “grinchy”. While I agree with its sentiments, its modern day practise frankly makes me feel like removing myself from all associated celebrations of it entirely. For that matter, come on, Halloween isn’t even allowed its moment in the spotlight, without battling interference from wreaths, bows and whathaveyou just down the aisle in any retail outlet.

I guess you could say I feel the same way about a lot of things. Take communism, for example. In theory, the eradication of the class system sounds wonderful – equal treatment for all - yes mam! In application, well I think it goes without saying that humanity has a funny way of buggering things up when they’re put into effect. But that’s a whole ‘nother discussion. Today my friends, we are here to speak on the art of sincere gift giving and in this circumstance, sincere can be taken as synonymous with “mature”.

As all dislikes originate from some sort of negative experience or trauma, it’s only fair of me to explain how I came to possess such a repugnant disposition in accordance with what is supposed to be the “most wonderful time of the year”.

Back in sixth grade, right before the Xmas holidays, I was sitting in class anxiously awaiting the final dismissal bell. For no apparent reason, my teacher, who we nicknamed “The Slaydriver” due to her rather forceful means of discipline, announced loudly to the entire class, “I’m sure all of you know by now there is no Santa Claus.” Yes, there I was feeling ashamed to admit I still thought the jolly bearded man in red was real. I was further mortified to discover I was the ONLY kid in class under this misconception, but moreover angry with my parents for having “lied” to me for so long.

I remember crying all the way home and confronting my mother about the topic. As much as she tried to explain it was “just tradition” and “every parent” apparently puts their children through this ruse, I felt deceived and made her promise she’d never lie to me again. That however is only part one of the story…

My dislike for the celebration in question was further enhanced when one year I was working retail on Boxing Day and my cash register, debit machine and credit card swiper went out of commission simultaneously. Accordingly, I was left with no choice but to do all the calculations by hand. Math’s never been my forte and having an insane amount of shoppers yelling at me to work quicker certainly didn’t help.

Finally, my “bah humbug” attitude was solidified as I got older and everything started to feel “obligatory”. When you’re a member of a family characterized by several broken marriages, remarriages and stepsiblings, trying to include everyone in the gift giving escapades adds up real fast. Since when is a holiday associated with “glee” supposed to make you broke? There’s nothing very fun about that.

If the above wasn’t bad enough, I started to find myself in a situation with a certain unnamed relative wherein anytime they’d purchase me a gift, there’d be an additional unseen price tag attached; something I refer to as the “Trojan horse of gift giving.” Somehow just because I accepted something I thought was given out of generosity, I was manipulated into doing this or that for said individual…and if I failed to comply, I was reminded how much money was spent on me and how my non-compliance was apparently indicative of a lack of appreciation. Coined by psychologists in the 1960s as “the guilt trip”, this is by far the WORST of the gift giving practises and is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to psychologically control and abuse someone.

When it comes to the art of sincere gift giving, I believe Sean Connery’s character in the movie, Finding Forrester summed it up perfectly, “the way to a [person’s] heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.” After all, doing so indicates that you were obtaining a gift for this individual purely because they happened to be on your mind and you wanted to do something to brighten their day. In this context, please note that the term “gift” does NOT simply refer to a commodity purchased at a store, but rather can include sending a note to someone you’ve fallen out of touch with recently just to remind them that even though you do not speak often, they still are very important to you or preparing someone their favourite dish after they’ve had an extra long day at work. Genuine acts of kindness toward complete strangers, such as helping an elderly woman or man carry their groceries to the car, are by far the most meaningful as you have no direct relation to said individuals.

What I’m trying to get at is this: REAL gifts are given from the HEART to the recipient “just cause” and with NO strings attached or expectations of reciprocation. NO holiday – whether we’re talking Xmas, a birthday or Valentine’s - should ever make you feel obligated to do something for someone you wouldn’t normally do. On the other side of the equation, a mature recipient acknowledges and appreciates the “effort” put forth and never maintains a price limit of what should be spent on him/her nor compares gifts from different givers. As the old saying goes, “it IS the thought that counts.”

As all of you go out and spend far more than you can afford this year just to participate in a practise of an annual celebration that has lost all relation to its genesis, I ask you to remember what I’ve written above and perhaps try to see that the TRUE gift of Christmas is the ability to spend time with your loved ones. They may drive you crazy and have ridiculous habits, but not everyone has a family or friends to share wonderful moments with. In sum, gift giving should NEVER define a relationship. A relationship should be defined by the gifts we do for each other WITHOUT obligation.

Vol #1, Col #12: Your Fiscal Future

I recently experienced two very different conversations with two very different friends. While one ended with me affectionately quipping, “welcome to the world of adulthood,” the other’s grand finale made me feel like a mother scolding her child. The irony? The subject matter of both conversations was exactly the same.
Conversation one occurred between myself and a fellow musician who I’ve got quite a number of years over. He’s been popular and successful in the scene for some time now: winning awards, selling out shows and even being allocated grant monies.

While all of this looks fab on paper, anyone whose passion is artistic in nature knows that especially in today’s economic times, it’s become increasingly unfeasible if not impossible to make a sole living via this means. The fact that Lady Gaga, arguably the current biggest thing in music (for better or for worse) has declared bankruptcy after EVERY SINGLE ONE of her past four tours speaks for itself.

Although my friend has more than got the goods, he’s come to the conclusion that he needs to develop a sound financial strategy to better cover his day-to-day living expenses, which in turn will allow him to continue to fuel his passion without burning out. Accordingly, he’s decided to go back to school for retraining in an unrelated, but stable field and is currently working two jobs.

Conversely, conversation two erupted after I invited a girlfriend of mine to attend a couple of trial yoga classes with me, being offered at a mere five bucks a pop. Now I understand that given the job market is, particularly in this city, less than optimal right now, many of us are scraping to get by, but frankly considering my aforementioned friend still lives at home rent-free and works full-time, I couldn’t comprehend how it was possible she claimed to not even have $5 to spare to take part in an activity in which she’d expressed interest on more than one occasion.

I began to grill her – asking her to outline for me in detail exactly what her expenses were on a monthly basis. Not surprisingly, because she admitted to frequently shopping when she was either bored or in a bad mood, she was spending exorbitant amounts of money unnecessarily and had yet to put any substantial monies into savings (translation: she was living paycheck-to-paycheck).

It’s not that friend number one was/is more analytical or intelligent than friend number two, nor was/is age (as in years) the distinguishing factor; something confirmed by the fact that friend number two is actually older than the both of us! Their differed perspectives simply come down to sight, with my latter friend suffering from a serious case of psychological myopia. This, of course, brings us to today’s topic of discourse:

Financial goal setting (well life goal setting, in general) via the practise of “delaying gratification” is a MAJOR aspect of developing psychological maturity, and I’m not just saying this ‘cause my pops happens to be a insurance broker.

Defined by the Encyclopedia of Psychology as, “the ability to forgo an immediate pleasure or reward in order to gain a more substantial one later,” learning to delay gratification goes hand-in-hand with learning to enhance one’s self-control. Psychologically-speaking, the problem for many of us stems from the fact that society promotes self-motivation and personal responsibility as desirable personality traits to possess, while at the same time suffocating us with advertising campaigns promoting indulgence and frivolousness, suggesting we can “have it all”. The fact is this: no, you can’t. As I learned a long time ago and hope to impart onto you, anything that is worth fighting for will NOT come without its challenges and small sacrifices are NECESSARY in order to achieve large payoffs.

Developing self-control is only possible once one is able to identify the emotions and motivations driving his/her behaviour(s). Notice once again how it always comes back to good old introspection! It is true that some people are genetically hardwired with poorer impulse control, however even they can learn how to delay gratification with some practise. “Suppression” (ie: putting the steps toward accomplishing one’s goals out of mind) is actually useful here. For instance, if one sets up an automatic monthly transfer of a set amount of funds between their chequing and savings accounts, they are more likely to save that money than if they were physically making the transfers themselves.

After this, it’s all a matter of goal setting and “global processing” (ie: focusing on the big picture – your ENTIRE life). Importantly, goals that are defined using measurable and concrete terms (ie: I want to have X amount of dollars in savings by the time I reach X age) ensure a higher likelihood of staying on target.

Sidenote: Do NOT, I repeat do NOT, change your spending habits until you reach your goals, even if in the meantime you’ve got yourself a snazzy promotion; this is a major pitfall too many fall into. Goals most certainly change throughout your life, but the road to them, one that is slow and steady, should not.

While it’s totally fine and common to give yourself small rewards along the way for sticking to the program, you don’t want to let these rewards get out of hand thereby undermining the bigger objectives you’re working toward. Great ways to keep yourself in check include: practising meditation and internal coaching (ie: self-talk) as well as drawing “mental equivalences” each time you feel compelled to impulse buy (ie: one of this item is equivalent to X of this item, which would I rather have?). Monitoring your progress, too, is in it of itself motivating.

As students of psychological maturity, we essentially need to learn to turn OFF our natural (and socially programmed) tendency toward “temporal discounting” and turn ON the process of “metacognition”. In other words, as psychologist Walter Mischel puts it, we need to master the skill of “strategically allocating our attention.”

Financial experts report that anymore you need at least a million bucks (yes, you read correctly) in the bank by the time you’re 60 to ensure a comfortable (NOT luxurious or extravagant) retirement. That ain’t just gonna happen over night and I wouldn’t hedge my bets on the lottery!

Aside from helping you learn to save, Mischel’s 1970s “marshmallow” experiment on the subject at hand revealed a notable correlation between higher levels of self-control and better life outcomes (ie: higher marks in school and higher paying jobs) as well as lower incidence of risk-taking behaviour and the development of personal vices such as: drug addiction and overeating. In sum, learn to delay gratification – it’s not just money in the bank!