As we age physically, our psychological perceptions too drastically
change. In our youth, it begins subtly: as Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development notes, over approximately the first
ten years of our life on this planet, we transform from infants whose actions
and reactions are by and large determined by intrinsic reflexes to prepubescent
children capable of abstract thinking and inferential reasoning (ie: the
ability to think about things which have not literally been experienced and to
draw conclusions from said contemplations). To this, Kohlberg adds that in
conjunction with our acquisition of knowledge and logic, also comes a change in
how one interprets what’s right/good and what’s wrong/evil.
As kids, we obey the rules that are dictated to us purely
out of fear of repercussion and/or desire for reward; a typical example of
operant conditioning. From here, through the indoctrination of social norms, we
begin to understand how being a “good citizen” will personally serve us well. As
we grow older still, ideally we reach the final stop in Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development in which we not
only internalize a personal moral compass that we willingly (key word)
abide by, but further embrace an ethical point of view in respect to our
treatment of all others.
Beyond intellectual and moral growth, our views in reference
to the self, others (family, friends, business acquaintances and even enemies),
our life goals, our desires/dreams and how we define our place in society (and
the world at large) also shift. An embarrassing anecdote from my childhood
proves illustrative:
Apparently, I once told my mom that my career ambitions
were as follows: to be a Dicky D ice
cream salesperson in the summer and a T-bar ski lift attendant in the winter. Beyond
its simple amusement, this chronicle offers some interesting insight into my childhood
perceptions and values: it demonstrates that I understood seasonal work and the
necessity of being employed all year around, as well as recognized that these
two services were important among families. It also proves my initial point:
that we change DRASTICALLY.
There is a caveat to that last statement however. While my
current vocational goals far exceed those of the 5 or so year old Rose, I am
still a very service-oriented individual. Major personality traits, such as
whether one is introverted or extroverted, for example, are typically resilient
throughout the course of one’s life.
So how does all of this relate to you in your present state
of affairs (ie: attending college in your late teens/early 20s)? The cognitive
changes we’ve discussed thus far are more or less part and parcel to “physically”
growing up. In contrast, when you reach the life stage you’re at now, change and
self-growth largely become a choice determined by experiential
factors. In other words, we ALL regularly find ourselves entwined with varying
bouts of human drama and tragedy. BUT we do not all deal with said situations
the same way. The stark differences in “coping” behaviours that can be observed
among so-called “adult” humans ultimately result from one of two self-contemplations
(whether you’re conscious of it or not):
2) The Juvenile Approach: Will I externalize all blame and get defensive if someone dare point their finger toward my actions as potentially contributing to the situation? Will I find every means possible to rationalize myself as the “blameless victim” and/or “rightfully justified party” even when logic that clearly suggests otherwise is thrown in my face? Will I grow bitter as others flourish around me and I never seemed to be given any “chances”?
It goes without saying that neither choice can peacefully be
made nor accepted until one is less clouded by their emotions. What I need to
strongly emphasize here though is the fact that option two is a CHOICE. Just
like a positive happy demeanor is determined by an individual’s willingness
and desire to be grateful and to focus on the good things in their life,
juvenility is an accepted choice resulting from a disinterest in being
introspective and/or accepting personal responsibility. Perhaps here would be a
good time for another real life account.
I have this friend who truly is a textbook example of
everything NOT to do. He’s what I call a “runner” in that every time sometime
goes awry in his life, instead of confronting the issue(s), he convinces himself
that he’ll be able to start fresh by relocating to another city. The problem of
course is that it’s not the scenery that is the dilemma, but rather the
repeated poor decisions he continues to make. It always goes the same way;
accordingly, it’s getting increasingly difficult to have any sense of empathy
toward him.
Initially, he’s happy as a clam. He finds a nice new
neighbourhood, gets himself a decent job and things are seemingly looking up.
He couldn’t be happier – moving was the right choice. Then (wait for it), he
inevitably gets involved with a less than classy dame whose sexual history
you’re probably better off not knowing. Within a week (sometimes less), he’s
already thinking about moving in with her and getting hitched. He’s in love,
but it’s surely not a healthy love.
He becomes possessive bordering on obsessive toward the gal,
who made it clear from the get-go that frankly she’s not really the
“marriageable” type. He either begins to suspect she’s cheating on him or
hiding a pregnancy or both, they erupt into WWIII and once again, his life is
“over”. He loses all sense of personal composure and his job too in the
meantime. He mopes around for a couple of weeks and then “Eureka!” The solution
to solving all of his problems appears: skipping town...yet again.
Now, I’m sure you’re all familiar with Einstein’s apt
definition of insanity: the repetition of the same behaviour(s) over and over
again with the expectation that the results will be different. I’d like to
suggest that this definition can equally apply to those who opt for the
aforementioned choice when facing adversity.
Instead of analyzing his actions which have led him to this
same spot time and time again, my friend adopts the “poor me syndrome” (ie: the
belief that the world is out to get you and you are an innocent victim being
targeted for some random reason). Consequently, he never accepts responsibility
for his own contributing behaviours and thereby NEVER ultimately grows
as a person. And that my friends, for many, is the irony of aging!
In a nutshell, this
month’s lesson is as follows: Acknowledge
the choices embedded within your actions and reactions. If you’re
unhappy with the end results, look to YOURSELF to improve the situation.
