Deep down, most of us are insecure in some capacity. Whether
it’s the slight bump on your nose, the extra 10 lbs. you recently gained or
that one crooked tooth that ruins your otherwise Hollywood smile, no one (not
even Angelina Jolie) can live up to the impossible standards of beauty and
perfection society promotes. What’s worse is that oftentimes in childhood, we
are subjected to bullying and teasing. So, if we weren’t already feeling “less
than fresh” about these seemingly minor personal blemishes, “meanies” point out
these flaws of ours, skyrocketing our self-conscious tendencies to a whole new
level. But bullying frequently doesn’t just stop there!
In the infamous words of Madonna, “we are living in a
material world” (ie: we’re focused on the surface of things), meaning that
based on the “cover” of each individual’s “book”, we make assumptions about the
kind of person they may be. What god gave you, the clothes you wear, your
makeup habits, how you speak and even your gait can all affect how greater
society views you…and therefore treats you. In fact, psychological research has
proven general trends that we go so far as human beings to believe that those
who are physically attractive undoubtedly ALSO possess attractive “character
qualities” (ie: they’re assumed to be smarter, more competent and more honest
just cause they’re good looking! But we all know what happens when you assume…)
Unfortunately for those of us who were NOT born in the likenesses of Marilyn
Monroe or James Dean, it’s a much tougher battle trying to win people over. The
result of all of this societal pressure is the employment of some sort of
defense mechanism in order to cope.
Admittedly, I was one of those persons ostracized and
belittled in my formative years. If it weren’t my gothic/punk-inspired personal
grooming habits I was being mocked for (and even spat on! Damn conservative ultra-conformist
Catholic school!!!), it was my eloquence with words. Funnily enough, these
so-called “flaws” of mine are largely responsible for my success and many opportunities
I’ve been granted, both career and otherwise, as an adult (Oh, the irony is not
lost on me). Importantly however, it’s not simply the existence of my
individuality that has helped me get to where I am. After all, we all bring
unique qualities to the table. Rather, it’s my attitude and how I learned to cope
with these “childhood traumas” that has allowed me to progress as I have.
Essentially, you have three major choices:
1)
You develop a “thick skin” and come to the conclusion
that it’s quite literally impossible to please everyone; therefore, those who
truly matter will accept, love and support you no matter what.
2)
You overcompensate for your insecurities by developing
a sense of cockiness, insensitivity and bravado, making wild claims that NOTHING
affects you emotionally (we’ll talk more on this later).
OR
3) You become the subject of today’s discussion: a constant “people
pleaser”. You limit your self-expression and change “with the tides” in order
to win EVERYONE over in a quest to achieve unconditional acceptance (often
because on a subconscious level you didn’t feel loved or appreciated enough as
a child). Of course, when this backfires and for no justifiable reason someone
just frankly doesn’t like or accept you, it becomes evident how dangerous this
coping strategy truly is.
In case you’re wondering, I went with door number one; a
choice that was and continues to be compounded by my experiences in the music
biz. Now, I’m not suggesting for everyone to become as cynical or as jaded as
me, but having a sense of REALISM when it comes to life and human interactions
is essential if you are striving to develop “psychological maturity”.
While Freud is primarily known for his controversial (and in
many people’s eyes, disturbing) psychosexual theories, he had an interesting
view of humanity that I believe rings true, especially in this circumstance.
Allow me to paraphrase:
Humanity is inherently selfish in the sense that at the end
of the day our primary driving force is to ensure our own personal survival
(and that of our kin) at any cost. But throughout evolutionary history, we
realized the benefit of collective work (ie: it increases
efficiency/productivity which allows for more personal free time) and therefore
we formed complex societies. Because our natural tendency is to be
“me-oriented”, we had to create and implement rules, regulations, laws and
mores in order to successfully function as a group and limit (as much as humanly
possible) acts of deviance (Civilization and Its Discontents).
With all of this said, I’m sure you can appreciate just how
mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting of a life it can/will be if you
choose to try and “people please” when 99% of the rest of humanity lives
according to the aforementioned mindset.
This is NOT to say you should become an asshole toward
people without cause or assume that everyone will be an asshole toward you
(don’t confuse “characteristic selfishness” with “evolutionary selfishness”).
That kind of pessimistic “woe is me” thinking is just as dangerous as “people
pleasing”. Essentially the secret is in finding a balance: you don’t want to
lose yourself, but sometimes (particularly when dealing with authority
figures), you cannot always express yourself unapologetically and without
censorship.
Be sure to judge each circumstance as individual, but
remember, you should NEVER compromise who you are to such an extent that you
can’t even recognize the motives behind the actions in which you’re engaging. That
my friends would lead to regret and that’s a whole nother can of worms in
itself.
